What Makes a Good Lover? 3 Themes We Heard From You

In the lead up to Valentine’s Day, I set out on the streets of Sydney to ask folks what makes a good lover. 

As a sex therapist, I had a couple of ideas going into this day of street interviewing, though I was also very curious what would come up for folks in the moment. What’s on the top of people’s minds when they think about their ideal lover? I wondered if there would be discussion of certain techniques, elaborate date nights, gifts, or this dream many folks have that their lover will “just know what to do,” though we know this is a fantasy, and not based in how sex and pleasure actually works. 

After asking strangers all over Sydney one simple question — “What makes a good lover?” — the answers were surprisingly consistent. While the wording varied, and many had more than one quality they considered “good lover material,” the heart of it came down to three core qualities: care, communication, and curiosity.

In different ways, folks spoke of being deeply listened to, acceptance, attunement, patience, open-mindedness, being challenged, acts of service, exploration, play, and going to therapy as being the top things we seek in a lover. 

Are we surprised?

1. Emotional Safety & Devotion

Before technique, chemistry or adventure, adventure, people want to feel safe.

This was the clearest pattern in every conversation I had during my interviews. Long before anyone mentioned skill or excitement, they talked about how a person makes them feel. Words like devoted, patient, accepting you for better or worse, and let’s you be yourself came up over and over again.

A good lover, according to many, is someone who creates an environment where you don’t feel judged, rushed, compared, or evaluated. There’s no silent scoreboard, we’re not going tit-for-tat, there’s no pressure to perform or fear of “doing it wrong.” Just space to be fully human and to be seen in that.

It makes total sense why safety came up first for so many folks. This largely has to do with the nervous system state we need to be in in order for curiosity, playfulness, open-mindedness, and engagement to take place. 

When we look at the autonomic nervous system, there are two sides: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. Think of these two sides as yin and yang. Your sympathetic nervous system is your body’s “get up and go” system. It’s your action-oriented, blood pumping, heart-rate increasing mode, and on the extreme end is your body’s fight/flight mechanism. Your parasympathetic nervous system however, is your body’s “chill out and slow down” system. It’s your rest-and-digest, slower heart-rate, more mellow mode, and on the extreme end it’s your body’s freeze response. 

When these two sides are balanced and everything is working harmoniously, we’re experiencing what we call a “regulated nervous system,” which means that both sides are working in a balance. We know this as what Stephen Porges calls the Social Engagement System, or our Ventral Vagal State. 

As it sounds, in order to socially engage and navigate all of the things that might come with that (aka other people and their nervous systems), we have to be at a nervous system state that allows us to be alert enough that we can stay engaged, interact, and be open-minded, while also being relaxed enough that we’re able to stay present without being too jumpy or feeling threatened. 

In order to be curious, open-minded, explorative, and all the other things that folks connected with “a good lover,” we actually have to feel safe. We’re not curious when we don’t feel safe because our nervous systems are more focused on moving away from the threat than they are about finding out more about it – to understand this, imagine you see a snake on a hike: are you going to stick around long enough to figure out what kind of snake it is, or are you getting out of there?

It’s the same with our lovers. 

When it comes to sex and intimacy, we need to be in this Social Engagement System to be able to interact with another because we need to feel safe enough that we can actually be curious and playful. Because again, you’re not sitting down for a game of cards in a lion’s den. 

We’re vulnerable when we’re curious and playful, we’ve let our guards down enough that we can learn and discover, and most importantly, we feel okay in relieving that we don’t already have all the answers, which is key for exploration. 

Safety, both physically and emotionally, is what allows vulnerability to happen because we cannot feel threatened or under attack if we’re to let our guards down. And without vulnerability, connection stays surface-level.

This looks like:

Loving intentionally, not conditionally.

Not withdrawing affection when things aren’t perfect. Not making warmth or reassurance something that has to be earned. Loving intentionally means learning about your partner and loving in the way they need to be loved, choosing your actions and words according to the needs of the relationship, and taking care in how we interact. Devotion isn’t hit, fiery intensity for a moment, it’s consistency over time.

Accepting and appreciating someone for who they are.

Not trying to remodel them, not subtly suggesting they’d be better if they were quieter, louder, more experienced, less experienced, or whatever else, but honouring who they are now and evaluating if who they are aligns with who you are and what you need. When people don’t feel accepted as they are, they feel under attack, which brings us out of our Social Engagement System into our survival mode. 

There is of course something to be said for growing together, that’s different. When we grow it’s not because we aren’t loved as we are, it’s because, again, we feel safe enough as we are to be curious and learn. Growth happens when we feel confident enough to step out of our comfort zones because we know someone has our back, we’ll be safe and cared for on the other side. So the feeling of appreciation as we are is powerful because it says: You don’t have to edit yourself here. I see you. You’re worthy of love. 

Having the patience to move at each other’s pace.

Real intimacy unfolds at different speeds for different people. A good lover understands that comfort can’t be rushed. They read the room, they check in, they allow space for pauses without making them awkward and they know that everyone is needy, and that’s what makes us human.

Your nervous system might move at a different pace than your partner’s, and that doesn’t mean anyone is wrong or “too needy,” it means we’re humans with different life experiences. The more we rush ourselves in pleasure and intimacy, the more the threat response shows up. So we go slow and we tend to our own, and each other’s needs along the way. 

Showing care in everyday actions.

Interestingly, several people mentioned something simple: cooking.

“If they cook for you, they’ll take care of you in all ways.” 

It sounds small, but it’s not. Cooking represents attentiveness. It’s nurturing. It says, “I want to provide. I want to care for you.” We feel cared for with these simple acts of service, and that nurturing energy doesn’t turn off when the moment gets more intimate, it carries through.

Emotional safety is built in the ordinary moments: in how someone listens, how they respond to your insecurities, whether they stay gentle and patient when you’re unsure, and how they care for you. At its core, being a good lover isn’t about performance, it’s about presence and attunement.

For many people, that steady devotion is the most attractive quality of all.

2. Communication Without Ego

The second major theme? Listening.

Not just hearing, but deeply, actively listening and responding without judgement or ego.

It’s time to give communication the recognition it deserves when it comes to being a lover, this is the bread and butter of all healthy intimate relationships! Sorry, I know it’s hard, but the people have spoken!

Again and again, people came back to communication during the interviews. Not flashy moves or mind-reading, not “just knowing already.” What stood out most was the ability to create an open dialogue where both people feel comfortable expressing what they want, what they don’t want, and what they’re still figuring out. This was what folks felt allowed more expansion and discovery. 

People emphasized:

• Good communication

• Being able to listen to desires without feeling intimidated

• Seeking guidance when needed

• Openness to feedback

A good lover doesn’t assume, they ask because they want to learn about your unique body.

There’s a big difference between confidence and ego. Ego says, “I already know.” Confidence says, “Tell me more.” And how hot is it when someone just wants to know more about you?!

Many people shared that nothing shuts down connection faster than defensiveness. 

When someone shares a desire, a boundary, or even a gentle redirection, it’s vulnerable, and remember all the nervous system stuff it takes to be vulnerable. If that vulnerability is met with judgement or pride, trust erodes because we no longer feel safe. When vulnerability is met with curiosity and open-mindedness however, trust deepens.

So good lovers don’t get defensive, they get curious.

Curiosity sounds like:

• “What’s that like?”

• “Would you prefer slower or faster, or what?”

• “What are you noticing in your body?”

• “Is there something you’ve been wanting to try?”

• “What would make this even better?”

• “How do you like to be touched?”

There’s confidence in saying, “Show me what you like.”

And there’s a sense of trustworthiness in saying, “I don’t know yet, but I’m willing to learn.”

Seeking guidance isn’t weakness, it shows that you’re willing to invest time and energy in making their experience better. It let’s them know that their experience, their pleasure, matters to you. 

Communication without ego also means being able to express your own desires clearly. 

It’s not one-sided. It’s a dynamic exchange with support for each party, sharing, adjusting, feeling how things resonate with you, negotiating, responding. The best connections feel collaborative, not performative.

And perhaps most importantly, it means normalizing feedback. Not as criticism or failure, but as an act of love to increase pleasure for all through discovery and growth.

The strongest connections happen when ego leaves the room and communication stays because when both people feel heard, intimacy stops being about proving something and starts being about building something together.

3. Curiosity, Adventure & Growth

And now that we’ve established safety and communication, now we can get to the fun part: exploration.

If emotional safety is the foundation and communication is the bridge, curiosity is the spark. It’s what keeps connections from going stale and what turns routine into discovery.

Many people described a good lover as:

• Adventurous

• Open-minded

• Willing to try new things

• Someone who challenges you

• Interested in growing together

What stood out wasn’t thrill-seeking for the sake of it, it was openness and a willingness to explore and evolve together with intention.

Our brains derive a lot of pleasure from newness. Think of the first time you saw a landmark, like the Eiffel Tower or the Sydney Opera House. The first time you saw it, wasn’t it a marvel? Did you stare at it for a while? Did you derive visual pleasure from looking at this majestic thing you’ve never seen before?

How about the 2nd time you saw it? You probably still got some awe from seeing it again for a moment, but less so than the first time. Now what if you lived beside it? Would you still marvel at it every day the same way? Odds are, it would become a mundane part of your environment over time, because it’s no longer new, or novel. 

Chemistry fades when we no longer feel that sense of newness, mystery, or discovery in our erotic lives, which is why so many long-term couples “lose the spark” after a while (though the time frame changes for everyone). Without curiosity about each other, we fall into that “already knowing” trap that is actually very unsexy. We think we know someone after a while, but we forget that as humans we are always changing. We can’t assume anything about our partners, because again, assumption is the killer of curious connection.

The spark stays alive when both people are willing to explore not just physically, but emotionally and intellectually, too. The remembrance that your partner is always changing offers you space to still be curious and learn about them, and this is erotic. 

The lover/explorer says:

• “What’s changed for you lately?”

• “Is there something new you’ve been wanting to experience?”

• “How can we make this even better?”

• “What’s turning you on, today?”

• “How do you want me, today?”

Being adventurous doesn’t mean being extreme or swinging from the rafters (though go right ahead) and it doesn’t require constant novelty or grand gestures. It means engaged, paying attention, and noticing when something feels routine or unexciting and choosing to breathe new life into it even in small ways.

Adventure can look like:

• Trying something new together

• Having different conversations or asking new questions

• Challenging each other to grow (emotionally, mentally, creatively) by trying new things

• Exploring different qualities of touch

• New environments

• Planning out-of-the-norm date nights

• Asking curious questions

• Trying new toys or shopping for toys together

• Listening to podcasts/reading books/engaging in educational content together

• Playing games

Several people mentioned loving someone who “challenges” them. Not in a combative way, but in a way that expands them. A good lover that is explorative and open-minded doesn’t just maintain comfort, they also inspire growth within us and encourage us to become more confident, more expressive, more self-aware. So how can you foster this exploration, expansion, and growth, in one another?

Growth, effort, and engagement are super attractive.

Staying curious about your partner, even years in, is how we keep our eroticism alive in relationships, and also how we continue to discover ourselves, too. Just like our partners are changing, so are we. Eroticism thrives on change and curiosity, and this mindset keeps connection dynamic instead of static.

Because ultimately, a good lover isn’t just someone you experience moments with. They’re someone you evolve with.

It’s All About How You Show Up

After a full day of wandering Sydney, microphone in hand, asking strangers what makes a good lover, the answers were shockingly simple and surprisingly consistent.

Care, communication, exploration. And woven into all of these: curiosity. 

Nobody said, “They just know all the moves,”  or “They need to sweep me off my feet.” It seemed everyone shared qualities in lovers that would matter beyond the specific actions happening during sex.

What was abundantly clear was that we’re not really actually looking for technique or fantasy in our lovers, we’re looking for how someone makes us feel. 

We want to feel safe, seen, heard, appreciated, challenged in the best way, and taken care of—sometimes with words, sometimes with patience, sometimes with a home-cooked meal.

Care, communication, and curiosity are the backbone of intimacy, and from a nervous system perspective, it makes sense that they happen in this order. 

Care gives us the safety to show up, communication lets us navigate what we want without ego getting in the way and helps us learn about each other, and curiosity keeps things alive physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

The best lovers aren’t mind-readers, they’re people who show up fully present who can ask, listen, adjust, and explore without shame or defensiveness. People who make it easy, and attractive to be vulnerable and playful.

So the takeaway is that for many, being a good lover isn’t about “doing it right,” it’s actually about the quality in which we can be there to support one another’s nervous systems so pleasure becomes more possible between you. A good lover isn’t just someone you share moments with, they’re someone you keep discovering, learning from, and laughing with, even when the novelty fades.

And honestly? The technique part will come from learning more about the unique body in front of you with care, communication and curiosity anyway, much more than it’ll come from any one-size-fits-all approach.